The Past....it used to surround my soul in darkness...like a shadow, chasing me, haunting me, distorting my vision and hiding the truth. Looking back now, I hardly recognize the lost child who tried so desperately to fit in, the teen who's search for love seemed like an illusion, and the woman who's dreams all changed, who's metamorphisis destroyed many of the people she loved, to save herself.
For as long as I can remember, all that really mattered to me was being loved and feeling safe...and that my worst enemy was fear. Fear of hell, fear of satan, fear of death, fear of dying. Fear of the dark, fear of ghosts and monsters. Fear of being laughed at, fear of being alone, fear of not measuring up, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being abandoned.
I suppose fear was the reason I closed off parts of myself, hid them from even those who loved me most. Fear was always my reality, ready to devour me, to show the world how weak I was. So I searched for love, for in love I was sure I would find the power to eradicate my fears...to heal the feeling of not being worthy or good enough.
I knew the first time I met my soul mate at age 15 that he was my true love. I also knew intuitively that we would only share a short time together. I do believe we met then, so that we would remember our love, when we were both ready, decades later. I think that is why no one could ever replace him in my life and why I never forgot him.
But life went on and I married someone else because I had this fantasy of the perfect husband, perfect home, perfect family and perfect life. And it all fell apart...
I'm not sure when it all started unravelling but my marriage was never what I would call easy. We struggled financially even though we had a nice home, vehicles, and went out alot. We wanted it all. Unfortunately, poor finances, my husband's job losses and his depression, my health and work stress and our children's needs and wants, all took their toll. Each year it seemed to unravel more and more and I could feel myself shutting down. I pretended everything was ok, that everything would be ok. So I just went through the motions, accepting my fate, as more of me disappeared.
So often in life it is our desire to be loved and we tend to fall victim to our own making. I tried so hard to be the best wife, mother, lover, friend. Because I believed it was what was expected of me, in order to have love. I compromised who I was. I know I did this on an unconscious level and was unaware of my behavior. After awhile, my behavior became second nature and before I knew it, days fell into years. I continually tried to live up to my husband's and everyone elses's image of me.
Eventually I found myself unhappy about life and unfulfilled in my dreams without really understanding why or how I felt this way. Now I realize not only did I give away my power and a piece of myself but more important, I was not being true to who I was. I had become miserable and my pain was the result of compromise, too often, giving away a part of who I was. I compromised my individuality because of the need and desire to please someone else.
I knew I needed space, needed time...to try to work out who I was, figure out who I was. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, walking out the door and leaving the life I had for 17 years behind. And at the same time, I felt relief wash over me. It was only then that I started to heal who I was. That didn't stop the horrible guilt I felt for leaving my children, but I knew they would survive and I couldn't. I tried to make them understand, but how could they? The mom they loved and who loved them, walked out. Some would say I was selfish because I put my needs above everyone elses, but for me it was the only way I would survive.
It's been over 7 years now, and I have to say I am a different person today. How you might ask? In so many ways. My soul mate coming back into my life was a blessing because he asked nothing of me and accepted me exactly as I was. That started me on a journey of self discovery. I love myself in a way I never could before. Loving yourself is the key to everything else! We spend so much of our time waiting to be loved, hoping love will find us, searching, yearning for that special love. Feeling empty and lost without it. Wanting someone to give us love and fill us up. Unfortunately, that’s not usually how life works. You will draw to you exactly what you create in life, and what you believe you are worthy of. It was only when I believed I was worthy of love that love appeared.
I stopped trying to please everyone and started making my happiness a priority. I stopped looking for the external and material things to make me happy because happiness comes from within. Instead I found joy in the simple things. I became aware of the moment, of the beauty and peace in just being. I surrounded myself with positive, inspiring people. I realized I was responsible for everything that happens in my life....I have that power.
I have an incredible thirst for knowledge, which continues and always will. I now have a belief system that means something to me. I know why I am here and what my purpose is and I continue to learn the lessons I chose and to evolve to be the best person I can.
I had to face many childhood demons and I realized it wasn't my parents fault. They did the best they could and they loved me the best way they knew how. I chose them as parents and had lessons I needed to learn from that experience. I have long since forgiven my parents and love them more now than ever (even though they have long since passed). We resent so many people through our lives without considering why they came into our lives. We all have journeys to live and our own lessons to learn. I can only hope that my children will realize this one day and find a way to forgive me.
I am learning not to judge others and their mistakes in life because that's the way we grow and evolve into the souls we are meant to be. And I have forgiven myself. I am exactly where I should be. And it's just the beginning. There is so much more to learn.
If I could do one thing, it would be to help others, to let them see their own light, to see the beauty in themselves, to love themselves first, completely and unconditionally. To help them find their inner strength, to forgive not only others but themselves. To understand that nothing is impossible and everything is possible. To live in the moment and not waste time worrying about the past or the future. I'd want them to know that love is forever, that life is forever. That your soul goes on, so accept yourself and your failings, knowing it is what makes you learn and grow.
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