Finding my Truths

50! Wow! Staring in to the mirror now, I see my mother's image so clearly. Sometimes it's a little disconcerning. Ok, more than sometimes. Age has never been something I've looked forward to and yet I have come to accept it and feel surprisingly comfortable. Oh sure, there are the aches and pains, the hormones and the body changes but if we're lucky with age comes knowledge and experience, and I crave both.
50, the new 40 they say. And I'll go with that! The journey has been an interesting one. Not without it's share of emotional pitfalls. But when I look back at who I was and who I am now, and who I will be in the future, I couldn't be more pleased. I am happy and I love my life. How great is that? Of course, it hasn't always been this way. But in choosing my destiny, I think I may have finally got it right this time.
I think your childhood has a profound impact on who you are but not necessarily who you become. I recall being a happy child. My parents loved me, although it was rarely expressed in words or a touchy feely way. I felt insecure and ugly in school because I was teased about my wild hair. I found humor a great coping technique and kept my hurt feelings locked inside.
I lived in a world of imagination and daydreams. I may not have shared my deepest thoughts with anyone, but I wrote them, journal after journal. The words poured out on paper. My other joy was music. I could get lost in the words, feeling all the emotion, knowing I wasn't alone. And I started writing my own lyrics.
My parents were very religious. Baptist. My dad a decon in the Church and my mom taught Sunday School. We were expected to go to church every Sunday, morning and evening services. I wasn't allowed to go to Junior High Dances and swearing or bad language was not tolerated. You were punished with a mouth full of soap or got the strap. Rules, rules, rules. It was drilled in to my head that I was a sinner and if I didn't follow the rules, I was damned to hell, fire & brimstone for all eternity. I wanted so much to be a "good" girl. A good girl with pure thoughts who would go to heaven. Trouble was, I never felt like I was ever good enough. In fact, I was sure God never heard my prayers and I was positive I was a huge disappointment to him. I prayed for Jesus to forgive me my sins, but it never made me feel better, just guilty and empty.
The God I had come to know was a God to be feared. A God who could inflict horrible atrocities on people. I never felt I was good enough for God. I never felt I was good enough for anyone. I know my parents were good parents. They loved me and I have no doubts about that but by the time I was a teenager I rebelled. I refused to go to Church. I craved love, I craved attention and I felt so empty inside. The fear & guilt was always there even though I knew I wasn't a bad person. That fear stayed with me many, many years. It wasn't until I fell in love with my husband Bryan almost 7 years ago that I started a journey of self discovery. No one had ever accepted me for exactly who I was...unconditionally. For the first time I felt I was able to share ALL of me with someone. I can't tell you what a relief that was!! I began to really like who I was. My thirst for knowledge increased ten fold and I starting reading lots and lots of spiritual books. And even though my husband was a bit of a sceptic, he supported me 100%. And what truth did I find? Well one truth I found was that RELIGION IS FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL. SPIRITUALITY IS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH IT!! Organized religion is about Power over people, about Greed, Guilt and Fear. Do I believe in God? Absolutely! Do I believe in Fire & Brimstone in Hell? No!! I believe that Earth is our Hell. I believe in a God of Love. I believe we create our destiny by living the Law of Attraction and by Living in this moment.....The Now. Spirit or God is always with us and we can all live a rich, rewarding life by filling our hearts with compassion, gratitude and love. When you surrender to what is and become fully present in the now, the past eases to have any power. And sometimes we are so busy getting to the future that the present is just reduced to a means of getting there. Presence is the
I'm still taking baby steps, still finding my truths but I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. I feel free to breathe, to just Be.
And the cool thing is that this is just the beginning of my journey............